Understanding American Management Through Office Memo Interpretation
The DOH Center prides itself in improving the ability of business to communicate. As part of that mission, it is the Center's ongoing project to provide a bridge between managers and the managed. Instead of seeking, as many have done before, to change the language of either side of the dysfunction, we apply translation services. Examples of our work will be collected below, as they are scrubbed for appropriate anonymity.
The email chain below came out from a United Way pledge drive at a major US corporation. The Center's Guilt-Detection experts reviewed the situation and have enhanced the mail to help you understand the subtle sub-text.
First, we begin with a noble goal: raising money for charity. The "Communications & Planning Professional" within IT sends out an exhortation to the staff to "keep it rolling". This is such an important task, that the Cruise Director had to stay late to send the note (sent at 10:45pm) and only sent it to top-level executives. Surely information of this magnitude could not be sent to the staff directly.
From: [IT Cruise Director]
Sent: Wednesday, October 12, 2005 10:45 PM
To: [IT Executives]
Subject: RE: United Way IT Results (Day 1,2,3,4,5 & 7)
United Way results for Day 7 are in. IT has Taken the Lead with the highest total contribution amount across the company. Our total is $310,954.00. Let's keep it rolling, just two more campaign days left! Keep working on participation rates and encourage everyone on your team to go on-line and complete the pledge process.
Vroom, Vroom!!!
Thanks,
[IT Cruise Director]
Communications & Planning Professional
Information Technology (IT) - Quality Management
United Way IT Crew Chief
The very next day, an unnamed IT executive compounds the original exhortation to her staff. Like every IT manager, this person wants the project to be 100% complete, "whether their choice is to contribute or not". Completion is its own task. Content is not important.
It should be noted that the unnamed executive was also in charge of an enterprise software testing organization, which fits perfectly. The major goal that executives place before most corporate testing groups is 100% test case completion, rather than 100% business function coverage. All completion, no content:
Testing Director: "We have tested 100% of our cases!"
Executive: "Did that cover new customer, cancel account, or move account?"
Testing Director: "No, those were out of scope."
Executive: "Great, thanks for keeping us on schedule and under budget!"**
**This conversation 100% Sarbanes-Oxley Compliant and PMP certified!
From: [Executive]
Sent: Thursday, October 13, 2005 6:31 PM
To: [Team]
Subject: FW: United Way IT Results (Day 1,2,3,4,5 & 7)
Please encourage your staff to complete and turn in their forms whether their choice is to contribute or not. Let’s get 100% for completing the online form or the hardcopy form.
[Executive]
V.P., IT Strategy and Governance
The following morning, the director reporting to the executive forwards the exhortation, actually highlighting that the form should be completed "even if folks choose not to contribute to United Way". At this point, the emails have ceased speaking of ambiguous donation and now highlight that the employees may select not to contribute to the United Way. Who wants to fill out a form saying, "I am such a tight bastard that I will not contribute a few dollars from my decent salary to the United Way"?
From: [Director]
Sent: Friday, October 14, 2005 9:36 AM
To: [Managers]
Subject: FW: United Way IT Results (Day 1,2,3,4,5 & 7)
All,
Please distribute to the team. [Executive] would like to see 100% form completion even if folks choose not to contribute to United Way. Please ask everyone to take a minute...
Regards,
[Director]
Director, IT Enterprise Architecture
Finally, a few days later, the acting manager (three levels down, now) re-forwards the forwarded message, simply saying complete the form. There are many unanswered questions, not least of which might be, why not just send this out to a company-wide distribution, rather than forwarding a chain endlessly?
However, a more interesting item is not evident from the chain: the form itself asks for employee name and dollar amount. There is no option to even select "decline to contribute". Instead, the employee must write in zero dollars.
You tight bastard. There are children starving in Baltimore and this is how you treat them? Can't you see by the way we keep re-forwarding the note that we, as managers, care more about the welfare of children than you do?
From: [Manager, Acting]
Sent: Monday, October 17, 2005 8:37 AM
To: [Team]
Subject: FW: United Way IT Results (Day 1,2,3,4,5 & 7)
FYI . . . Please complete your United Way form even if you do not choose to contribute.
Thanks
[Acting]
The email below came out from the CMO (Chief Marketing Officer) of a major US corporation. The Center's Marketing and Labor Relations experts found this a subtle problem. Apparently, there was confusion about the name of the company following a merger, in which the two companies simply combined names. We have analyzed the memo and find that it has an intense, laser-like clarity, yet employees still found room for confusion, once again highlighting the fact that employees are expendable, given their inherent inability to grasp even the most simple of concepts. As you will see in the memo below, the name of the company is "Big Corporate", except when it is "Big", unless it is "Big, Together with Corporate", or when marketing products as simply "Big" or "Corporate". Why is this not clear to you?
To: Big Corporate Vice Presidents and above
From: Mark Time, Chief Marketing Officer
Date: August 29, 2005
Subject: Company, Go to Market and Product Name Use
It has come to my attention that there is some confusion surrounding the appropriate use of our go to market brand, company name, and product names. As we prepare for this week’s national brand launch, I wanted to provide further clarification.
Speaking with one consistent voice, both internally and externally, is extremely important to the success of our brand and business. How we refer to ourselves is the foundation of that voice. Please review the guidelines below:
[ed. note: If one consistent voice is so important, why do we have so many different names? Wouldn't it be easier to use a single name for clarity?]
Go-to-Market Brand: Big
The Big go-to-market brand is the prominent brand we will support in the marketplace, and, therefore will be promoted in the majority of our company communications. "Big" will be used in all marketing and sales communications and will bring product, service and applications to the marketplace, including:
- All advertising
- Promotional materials
- Sales tools
- PR announcements
- The majority of internal communications
In summary, Big customers and prospects will shop at Big stores and big.com and call 1-800-BIG1 to purchase Big services that include the Corporate and Big product lines.
We want to maximize our go to market brand and therefore will use it across customer and prospect communications. Customers will be greeted with "thank you for calling Big;" our email addresses are john.smith@big.com; and employees will introduce themselves as representatives of Big.
Company Name: Big Corporate or Big Corporate Corporation
Our formal company name is Big Corporate Corporation, but you will most often see it as "Big Corporate." This distinction is driven by the legal restrictions surrounding the use of "Big Corporate Corporation" in specific geographic areas and serious tax implications that coincide with its incorrect usage. Functional groups that will use the "Big Corporate Corporation" are aware of the issues and will manage the use according to legal guidelines. For all others, "Big Corporate" is used when referring to the formal company name. This company name is used across legal, HR and investor relations communications to reference the corporation. It is also included in the following capacities:
- Corporate stationery, including business cards
- ID badges
- The company boilerplate within external press releases
- Eastern and Western campus signage
- The "about us" tab on big.com
During the Day 0 - Day 1 period, you’ve seen the boundaries of the Big Corporate guidelines pushed a bit with a wider use of the Big Corporate to highlight the two companies merging and promote the new entity.
Communications Treatment: Big, Together with Corporate
The "Big, Together with Corporate" logo treatment and message will be used to reassure our loyal Corporate customers that Corporate is still an integral part of the new Big.
We will use the treatment on all of the following
- Brand communications
- Combination (Big & Corporate) promotional communications
- Corporate customer communications
- Sales tools
- Web communications, in applicable sections
- Corporate customer invoice
We will not use the treatment in communications that reference a Big-only product. For example, we will not use "Together with Corporate" on a Big package as it may incorrectly communicate that Corporate is built into this specific product.
Product Names: Corporate and Big
Big offers two product lines to the marketplace: Big and Corporate. These product brands represent the services that will be available from the new Big. In communications, we will highlight the Corporate line-up by including a small black and white Corporate logo adjacent to Corporate products. We will also keep the Corporate Sports Series name through the 2006 season. In Corporate Sports Series communications, we will use the "Big, Together with Corporate" communications treatment to promote the new Big to this loyal target audience.
We will continue to communicate important details to all employees, but in the meantime, please feel free to share this memo with your teams as appropriate. If you have further questions, please contact the brand management team with further questions at brandreview@mail.big.com.
The email below came out from the technology help desk of a major US corporation. The Center's Linguistic noted the subtle message encapsulated in the naming of the help desk group.
From: IT News
Sent: Monday, April 03, 2006 3:15 AM
Subject: Improving ESC Helpdesk support
To: All Big Corporate employees
From: Peter Cottontail, vice president-IT Operations
As you know, we are currently in the throes of the technical integration of Big and Corporate. Due to these massive changes, your Enterprise Solutions Center (ESC) help desk has not been as consistently effective as usual. For example, if you have recently called the ESC for a technical issue, you have probably experienced longer hold times. The call volumes for the ESC have increased up to 400 percent from the forecasted volumes, and we are handling this to the best of our ability.
[ed. note: We are not making up that acronym. They really called themselves "ESC".]
The purpose for this e-mail is twofold. First, I want to assure you that the ESC is putting several measures in place to remedy this problem, including adding staff as quickly as we can, partnering closely with network groups and implementing new technology.
Second, I wanted to share some tips on things you can do to help improve ESC support:
[translation: We are unable to do our job due to vastly insufficient planning by management, please take some of the responsibility for our failures on yourself.]
* Contact the ESC one time for one problem. If you open an online ticket, don't open a second one or call the helpdesk about the same issue. This will alleviate unnecessary work that keeps us from resolving your problems quickly.
* Carefully read all communications regarding technical changes. There are many changes in the environment right now, and we are working hard to make our communications as clear and understandable as possible. If you have a question on a change where a specific contact has been provided, do use that contact. That contact will have the best information to help you.
* Use the self-service solution site, ClickIT, to search for step-by-step instructions to problems or to open a web ticket. In many cases, your issue will be resolved more quickly thru a web ticket. And always be sure to fill out all online requests completely.
* If you have larger project needs (such as setting up training rooms or large scale password resets), please engage us via ClickIT as early as possible.
* If you call the ESC:
* Be aware that the announced queue hold times are consolidated and therefore not reflective of queue-by-queue wait times. This makes it ineffective to hang up and call in to a different queue, hoping for a different hold time.
[translation: Don't press ESC. Pressing ESC will simply result in unpredictable results.]
* Listen carefully to all recorded messages. Outage information is updated every 15 minutes and will inform you if your problem is already being addressed.
We are working diligently to resolve our issues so that we may better resolve yours. Thank you for your patience as we work through this period of transition.
The email below came out from the CIO of a major US corporation. The Center's Linguistic and Ethnographic experts enhanced the mail by adding the un-stated acronyms and providing translations to help you understand the subtle sub-text.
From: [CIO]
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2006 7:02 AM
Subject: Introducing the Ethics Liaison Program [ELP]
To: All IT employees
I am pleased to announce that [VP] has been selected to serve as Ethics Liaison for our organization. [VP] will remain in her current position, but will report directly to me for all matters related to this role.
translation: This VP is my protege and I gave her an additional, fluffy assignment to pad her resume.
[VP] will serve as an additional point of contact for you and as an ambassador for the Leading with Integrity Program [LIP]. She will receive special training from the Leading with Integrity team [LIT] to support her in this role. [VP] will partner with the Leading with Integrity Program [LIP] on ethics and compliance training, communication and risk assessment. While your Ethics Liaison will play an important role, she is not a replacement for resources such as the Ethics Helpline, HR or your direct supervisor when you have ethical questions or concerns.
translation: Our VP will give LIP service to ethics, which she will learn by going and getting LIT. If you have problems, call someone who cares.
The Ethics Liaison program [ELP] has been successful in the past and we are excited about the opportunities it can provide as we continue to build and maintain a strong culture of ethics and integrity at [company]. Support of the Ethics Liaison program [ELP] is a tangible demonstration of our commitment to being a leader in corporate governance and ethical practices. If you have any questions or suggestions about our Leading with Integrity Program [LIP], please don't hesitate to contact your supervisor, [VP] or the Ethics Helpline at [number].
translation: We really like classic rock, particularly ELP. We like it loud; it helps us think. If you have a problem with that, call someone who cares.
The [company] value of "We Demonstrate Integrity" is more than just words. Thank you for all you do every day to make it a reality.
translation: Look at me dance!
Sincerely,
[CIO]
Disclaimer: All memos appearing on this page are 100% actual memos sent by corporations to their employees or by employees of corporations in the course of conducting business. The editorial revisions have been made to protect authors, secrets, reputations, etc., and to highlight what the staff saw as funny.
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